All right, dearly beloved. Here are some crucial questions. At the bottom of the post will be answers as well as explanations. Let’s get into the really important issues that weigh on my mind.
Among the following answers, which is the best response to the question, “Hey, can you come here for a second?”
a) “Sure, just let me put some pants on.”
b) “Sure, just let me put on some pants.”
c) “Look, ma — no pants!”
d) “Look, person who is very specifically not my ma — no pants!”
Among the following answers, which is the best reaction to hearing the start of “Super Bass”?
a) “Man, this Nicki Minaj song is crap.”
b) “Man, this Nicki Minaj rap is crap.”
c) “Man, whoever this is is just crap.”
d)(don’t say anything, just skip to the next song)
Among the following answers, which is the best answer to “When is it acceptable to talk about how much you love Twilight?”
c) “When the majority of people around you are also fans.”
d) “What’s that?”
Among the following answers, which is the best answer to “You seem skeptical, but don’t you think that there’s more out there that we just don’t understand?”
a) “I don’t think I can have this conversation with someone so illogical.”
c) “Sure. I just don’t believe in that.”
d) “You could be right, I guess.”
Among the following answers, which is the best answer to “Don’t you know how unhealthy that food is?”
a) “No, and shut up.”
b) “Sure, but I don’t care.”
c) “You’re not going to convince me not to eat it, and telling me how unhealthy it is won’t do anything but irritate both of us…. could we change the subject?”
d) “OH NO I’M GONNA DIE!!!”
OK. Answers and explanations below.
ANSWER 1 — c) “Look, ma — no pants!”
Answers a and b are both OK. I won’t insist on the idea of not ending a sentence with a preposition, because that rule was created by people who were trying to force English to be Latin. Answer d means that you were apparently disturbed by the idea of talking to “ma” about having “no pants.” Listen, Chuckles, answer c is a riff on the classic “Look, ma — no hands” line, which has become so far removed from the idea of anyone’s actual mother that it falls into the category of “Who’s your daddy?” (Because the answer to that should not be your actual daddy.) Answer d means you are far too concerned with literalism. Plus, answer c is especially funny if you start with your pants on when the question starts.
ANSWER 2 — c) “Man, whoever this is is crap.”
I’m not going to quibble over whether Nicki Minaj does songs or raps, because I personally don’t think the crap she puts out is worth either of those words. I’ve heard people argue about whether or not a rap is a song almost as vehemently as I’ve heard people argue about whether or not Mormons are Christians. (My answer to both is “yes, although not as traditionally defined by those who think they get to make the definitions.”) Answer c is the best because it means you’re fortunate enough to not know who she is. If you fall into this category, don’t try to find out; some things can’t be unheard, and I don’t want your curiosity to permanently hurt you. Answer c is also good because it means you recognize crap when you hear it. Answer d would be good except it said that you skip to the next song, not the next station. This means you’re not hearing it on the radio. It means you’re hearing it on an iPod or CD or something similar.You should not have Nicki Minaj “music” on any sort of storage device whatsoever.
ANSWER 3 — c) “When the majority of people around you are also fans.”
This one may surprise some of you. Answer d, “What’s that?” just means that you are barely part of society. By now, virtually everyone should at least be aware of what Twilight is, even if you don’t know much about it. Answer a, “Never,” is a popular response and you may have thought I’d go that way. Answer b, “Always,” would only be said by Twihards, and I am definitely not one of them… but I don’t hate them. I think they’re misguided and wrong and potentially brain damaged, but I still wouldn’t say “Never,” because I think people ought to be able to share their passions with other similarly-minded people. Love what you love, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
(Exception: Nicki Minaj.)
ANSWER 4 — c) “Sure. I just don’t believe in that.”
I deliberately left out the topic, because it could be anything from astrology to Scientology to Christianity to intelligent design to alien life to… well, you get the point. People have beliefs, and answer a is just insulting, and is generally uncalled for. Answer b is way too closed-minded, and although I insulted literalism before, answer b is not literal enough. Of course there are things out there we don’t understand. Like, how does gravity work? That’s something we don’t understand. The topic didn’t have to be a supernatural one. Answer d, on the other hand, is just kind of wishy-washy. You should have an idea what you believe in and not just give in to the person who shouts the loudest. Answer c is firm without being insulting, and it acknowledges that beliefs are things that we choose when knowledge is insufficient.
ANSWER 5 — c) “You’re not going to convince me not to eat it, and telling me how unhealthy it is won’t do anything but irritate both of us…. could we change the subject?”
Although, frankly, the rest of the answers are fun too.