This was an experiment of mine. I contacted a friend, “Boctor” Bill Cernansky, who does improv with ComedySportz Portland, and asked him to take on a character who was an expert on a randomly selected topic, and I would interview him for the blog. The result is below. I would love feedback — positive or negative — and I expect to expand upon it tomorrow.
Strange: Tonight we have with us Seymour Glass, renowned expert in dishwashing. Thank you for joining us today, Mr. Glass. I understand you’re an expert on washing dishes. How exactly does one become such an expert?
Glass: Experience. Experience and fear of the sound of breaking ceramic.
Strange: Have you broken much ceramic then?
Glass: When I was a rookie, sure. But I’ve learned better grip techniques and of course my patented technique of throwing a foot under a falling dish. It hurts, but it saves money.
Strange: So you handle dishes manually then? Wouldn’t a dishwasher be more convenient?
Glass: Dishwashers are for wussies. And an automatic dishwasher can’t see if the dish is clean. It doesn’t feel the surface of a plate to see if it still has bits of dried-on macaroni. Only a human being can make those judgments.
Strange: I see. So, Mr. Glass, what have you found to be the most difficult thing to wash off from dishes?
Glass: Shame. And fully dried mashed sweet potatoes.
Strange: How about the most unusual thing you’ve had to get off a dish?
Glass: Well, once Mrs. Glass and I, well, let’s just say we were, um, playing with candles, and uh… … candle wax.
Strange: Um. All right then. As an expert on dishwashing, you must have formed an opinion on the correct techniques. What is the one thing that most people get wrong?
Glass: They put spoons next to each other in the silverware basket. That’s just asking for trouble. They nest together and, worst case, you get a wad of stuck-together spoons. That’s probably where that term “spooning’ comes from.
Strange: Fascinating! All right, do you have time for one last question?
Glass: Yes, I have another minute or two before I have to unload the dish drainer.
Strange: I’ve heard that some people like to wash non-dishes along with their dishes. If you were to do this, what one item would you choose?
Glass: You’re probably thinking that I’m going to say baby, but I’m not. I’m going with contact lenses on this one.
Strange: I know I said only one more question, but I’m intrigued. Can you expand on that?
Glass: Babies are cute and all, but they have stuff on them that I don’t want in my teacups. Contact lenses are expensive to clean by typical means, but there’s soapy water right there already! Bonus.
Strange: Excellent! Well, thank you, Mr. Glass! I appreciate your time and wisdom.
Glass: I’d like to let everyone know that they can buy my book, “Plate Safe”, at local bookstores and on Amazon.