Some highlights from recently discovered columns I wrote for my school newspaper 20 years ago:
“This year the Homecoming dinner was a delicious meal served by the Juniors, returned by the Sophomores, over the net again by the Juniors and OH! WHAT A BACKHAND BY THE SOPHOMORES! Game, set, match!”
“My topic today, for all you finicky readers who for some reason have the idea that I should actually have a topic, is deadlines. And shortcuts. Shortcuts like using sentence fragments. But not around English teacher. Gets upset. Real upset. But shortcuts fun. Sound like Neanderthal. Or Tarzan. Grunt, grunt. Ugh.”
“…everyone knows that Santa rides through the night, pulled by his reindeer: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Curly, Larry, Moe, Eddie, Huey, Louie, Dewey, Bashful, Grumpy, Sneezy, Dopey, the San Diego Chicken, Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, and Jerry Mathers as the Beaver.”
“Weasel has a gold tooth… and it doesn’t belong to him.”
“…I will be opening a Deer Retaliation Outfit. Since I am against guns, the deer will not receive any of those particular weapons. Instead, all the deer will receive (for a small fee — a little doe, maybe a few bucks) camouflage (not the bright orange junk — the green and brown) and ninja training and weaponry.”
“Q: What is an acrostic?
A: An acrostic is a word made up of the initials of other words, such as MADD — Monkeys Angrily Devouring Donuts. Note that an acrostic is not to be confused with a lacrosse stick, which is a device used to spread blood across the gymnasium. Most words could be used as acrostics.
Q: How about cities? What would WACO stand for?
A: What A Cook-Out.
Q: Isn’t that a little crude?
“…the economy is collapsing, there are floods and hurricanes and droughts and fires and tornadoes and disco is returning…”
“…hyperventriloquation (when your lips aren’t moving but the dummy next to you won’t shut up)…”
“Q: Do cannibals ever suck their thumbs?
A: Only twice.”
“Q: My sister and I got into a fight about whether John Tesh of Entertainment Tonight fame played a Vulcan or a Romulan on Star Trek: the Next Generation, and she called me a “stupid mollycoddled jerk,” so I hit her with the dictionary. My mom took away the dictionary before I could look up the word “mollycoddled.” Can you shed some light on this subject?
Q: Will you shed some light on this subject?
A: Of course. John Tesh played a Klingon.”