I missed writing Sage’s six-month letter because of being offline at home. I had originally planned that it would be my first post back. Instead, my first post was announcing that I was back. So I figured it would be my second post.
Instead, today, I realized that I couldn’t write it today for two reasons. One: I haven’t given myself sufficient time tonight. Two: I’m too sad.
I’m having a stretch of very sad days. Part of it is a weariness from working a lot of overtime, and part of it has to do with some issues with friends. In general, I’m battling the feeling that I’m “just not good enough” in almost every area of my life.
That’s an overstatement, I know, and even writing it isn’t quite right. That’s one of the tricky things when you have emotional reactions that aren’t always in tune with reality (thank you, depression). You can take any imperfection and blow it way out of proportion.
But yeah. I feel like I’m failing at a lot of things that in reality I’m just struggling with. Work, improv, friendships, fatherhood…
And that’s why I can’t write the six-month letter.
It’s not that I want to hide my depression. It’s an illness, and nothing to be ashamed of. I do my best to treat it and handle it, and I’m proud of that. Hiding it would not create a healthy situation for Sage to grow up in.
But what I can do is recognize when it’s threatening my reactions, and make a conscious decision to not let that affect my communication with Sage. If I’m going to tell her how she’s changing and how it’s changing me and then give her advice, I don’t have to do it when I’m feeling like I’m not a great father. Especially because I know that I have the right to be proud of my fathering, and this is a temporary emotion that isn’t reflective of reality. I can wait a little longer for this letter.
Besides, she can’t read yet.