I want a Merkava tank.

I want a Merkava tank. Specifically, a Merkava IV.

I know next to nothing about tanks, but I know it’s a good one.

I want to get three buddies to complete the crew complement, and we’ll drive it around wherever we want to go.

We’ll go to a Taco Bell drive-through. They will not skimp on the napkins, nor will they forget the green sauce. The burritos will be well and truly “stuft.”

We’ll calmly move it to the center of the road when someone peels into the neighborhood past eleven pm with the bass turned up in their crappy little car to the point where the paint is flaking off the quarter panels and their future grandchildren are born with hearing loss, and I will casually get out and lean against the tank and point to the 60 mm mortar, and the music will suddenly be switched to very quiet soft rock.

We will go on 465 and wait for people who change lanes without signaling, and we will remove the problem.

We will drive to work in the morning. When we pull into the parking lot, my manager will come out and holler at me that I am hours late, and I will say yes, the Merkava only does about 17 miles per hour, and he will realize that I have a flipping tank, and he will not say another word. I will not go into work. I will not have to. I have a tank.

We will drive it downtown and take on the bicyclists who disregard traffic signals and endanger motorists, and we will take on the motorists who are just plain idiots and endanger the bicyclists. We will enforce right of way for pedestrians when appropriate, and potentially even when inappropriate in the case of pedestrians who are handicapped, pregnant, or have really cute dogs.

We will take it to the car wash — just for giggles when the guy standing outside checking in cars tries to figure out how he’s going to fit us into the track.

We will pay extra if anyone can figure out how to (a) make spinners for tank treads, and (b) make spinners cool again.

We will modify some of the guns, or attach new ones, so that we can fire candy and streamers and those little popping “fireworks” that explode when you throw them at the sidewalk, and we will attach Super Soakers EVERYWHERE.

I want a Merkava tank.

If Kickstarter could only make this happen.

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