Strange Assistance…

Note: this post contains expletives. A lot of them. Strong ones. If this offends you, please feel free to come back tomorrow.

Driving home from a doctor’s appointment today, I stopped by a gas station to buy a drink. This gas station regularly has a deal: two for (x), or one for full price. Since buying one soda is a little bit of a rip-off at regular price, I always buy two of whichever soda is on sale that I will drink.

I approach the counter. There are two clerks — a twenty-something female clerk with a leopard-print hair clip who is studiously avoiding eye contact and trying to look busy behind a “register closed” sign, and a sixty-something thin man with a gray mustache, who scowls as I set down the two sodas: Pepsi Next Cherry Vanilla.

Mustache: What else for you?

Me: This’ll do it.

Mustache grunts and scans the bottles of soda as I swipe my debit card and punch in my pin. The display reads: “$3.46. Is this the correct price?”

Me: Wait. These are supposed to be two for $2.50.

Mustache: Two for $2.50? I don’t think so.

Me: (pointing to the sign on the cooler) The sign says two for $2.50.

Mustache: (looking at the sign, which shows a Coke bottle in front and a Pepsi bottle behind it) That’s just Coke.

Me: (pointing to the sign again) That’s Coke and Pepsi.

Hair Clip: (sighing) I’ll go look.

Mustache: Pretty sure it’s just Coke.

Hair Clip: Ohhhh… it is Coke and Pepsi, but it’s for 20-ounce bottles.

Mustache: These are 16 ounces.

Me: They’re 20 ounces.

Hair Clip: They’re 16 ounces.

(I pick one up and point to the writing that says “20 ounces.”)

Me: They’re 20 ounces.

Mustache: Oh. Well, it’s not really a Pepsi. It’s a variety.

Me: (pointing to the sign) The sign says “All Coke and Pepsi products.”

Mustache: It’s not a Pepsi.

Me: It’s a Pepsi product.

Mustache: Well, it must be an exception.

Me: (surprising myself by staying polite, but in no way apologetic for being right) It’s not an exception. It just didn’t ring in right.

Mustache: It rang in how it rang in, and that’s the price.

Hair Clip: Here, try ringing in a regular Pepsi. See if it does the same.

(Mustache rings up a Pepsi bottle twice. It rings in correctly.)

Mustache: Nope, that works. So the one you have must not be on sale.

Me: ALL Coke and Pepsi products. This clearly just wasn’t put into the point of sale system correctly.

Mustache: Sorry. That’s the price.

Voice Behind Me: MOTHERFUCKER! WHAT THE HELL YOU DOIN UP THERE?

(I turn around and see a huge, angry-looking man behind me. If his voice hadn’t been a bit too high and his eyebrows too thick, he would have been a dead ringer for Michael Clarke Duncan. He is glaring at Mustache.)

MCD: THE GODDAMN SODAS ARE TWO FOR $2.50, AND YOU’RE CHARGING HIM THE WRONG GODDAMN PRICE. DO YOU THINK HE’S LYING TO YOU? DO YOU THINK HE’S STUPID? DOES HE LOOK LIKE SOME KIND OF BITCH YOU CAN JUST FUCK OVER? CHARGE THE MAN THE RIGHT PRICE AND KEEP THIS LINE MOVING ALONG, MOTHERFUCKER!

Mustache: It rang up…

MCD: I KNOW HOW IT RANG UP, I CAN READ, MOTHERFUCKER! IT RANG UP WITH THE WRONG PRICE. NOW YOU VOID THAT TRANSACTION, TAKE THAT GODDAMN PEPSI, RING IT THROUGH TWICE, AND YOU LET HIM WALK OUT OF HERE WITH HIS SODAS AT THE RIGHT PRICE. THIS AIN’T ROCKET SCIENCE, ASSHOLE!

Mustache: …Well, I don’t even know if this type…

MCD: WHAT PART OF “ALL COKE AND PEPSI PRODUCTS” ARE YOU NOT GETTING? THERE’S NO GODDAMN DISCLAIMER FOR — WHAT IS THAT?

(Astonished, still not sure what’s happening, I show him the bottle.)

MCD: PEPSI NEXT CHERRY VANILLA. THERE’S NO GODDAMN DISCLAIMER FOR THAT. RING UP THE PEPSI AND LET THE MAN PAY AND GO. GODDAMN IT, MOTHERFUCKER!

(As Mustache quietly rings up the Pepsi, Hair Clip, wide-eyed, opens her register. MCD, still grumbling at freight-train volume, steps up to her line but has nothing to check out.)

Hair Clip: Umm… did you need gas?

MCD: NO! NO, I’M JUST HERE FOR SOME FUCKING CIGARETTES, AND THEY AIN’T EVEN FOR ME!

Hair Clip: Um, what kind?

MCD: (glaring at Mustache all the while) I CAN’T EVEN REMEMBER, I’M SO PISSED OFF. TRYING TO RIP OFF PEOPLE CAUSE YOU’RE TOO DAMN LAZY TO FIX THE MISTAKE YOU DON’T WANT TO ADMIT. YOU KNOW WHAT? FUCK THE CIGARETTES, THEY KILL YOU ANYWAY. BUT YOU HANG ON TO THAT GODDAMN PEPSI BOTTLE, BECAUSE ALL THIS YELLING MADE ME THIRSTY AND I’M GONNA TRY THAT NEW SHIT!

(I complete my transaction and head for the door with my sodas.)

Me: …thanks?

MCD: YOU WELCOME, AND YOU HAVE A GOOD DAY. GODDAMN, MOTHERFUCKER.

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20 Responses to Strange Assistance…

  1. Kendra says:

    I’m dying. That was fantastic. Utterly fantastic.

  2. John King says:

    And now I want to try Pepsi Next Cherry Vanilla. That’s f*cking good advertising, motherf*cker!

  3. Rach Clear says:

    Hahahahaha! Yes.

  4. Helloheather says:

    That really happened??? I love it! It’s both scary and thrilly!

  5. Matthew says:

    He’s my new best friend.

  6. allievollmer says:

    This isssss wonderful. Ohmygoodness.

  7. Lummox JR says:

    This man should have a statue made in his honor. Future generations should grow up singing his praises.

  8. Br.Bill says:

    It’s a great day for America. I’m so happy right now.

  9. AgentKaye says:

    OMG, the emotions I went through reading this…and yes, they really happened, haha. Somebody needs to tweak some meds…

    First, I was exasperated. Then, I was pissed off. Then, I was shocked when MCD started yelling. Then I was momentarily giggly when I imagined the real MCD on The Green Mile in a prison jumpsuit glaring at people but then opening his mouth and sounding like Michael Jackson. Then I was worried because people like that get cagey from being made fun of and some violent craziness could have ensued. THEN, I was astonished when I realized MCD wasn’t yelling at YOU. Then I felt a burst of pride at someone sticking up for someone else and I got a little misty-eyed and was like, “YEAH! YOU TELL HIM! AND WHAT?!” Then I felt smug when Mustache meekly rang up the sodas. Then I covered my mouth so nobody here at work could hear me laughing hysterically about trying the Pepsi Next Cherry Vanilla.

  10. sinwi says:

    It is what we all want to do at sometime, but never do. I hope you enjoyed those pepsi’s Motherfu**er!!!

  11. ourarn says:

    Hi! I thought your post was cool and will visit often.

  12. wesiun says:

    great article! ill be linking back! do you mind if i share this?

  13. dellasman says:

    There is a god and, boy, does he have a vocabulary!! Great post.

  14. blushingsea says:

    This is excellent! I love your posts. Will be visiting often!

  15. Mona says:

    LMAO. You must have looked something like a cross between a moonblinked owlet from the Owls of Ga’Hoole movie and a deluded ‘Happy Feet’ in a zoo, as u walked out

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