Player versus player simultaneous William Tell duels.
Much wider court. Twelve players. Six shuttlecocks.
Bring back the days of college players.
Use an actual beach at high tide.
Only permitted athletes: each nation’s political leaders.
Opponents get to use shore-mounted Super Soakers.
Baseball cards inserted into spokes for VROOOOOOOOOM.
“Wipeout” style Motivator… or mandatory belly-flop round.
Actually just people in fancy horse costumes.
Just think Hamlet: “the point envenomed too?”
Wiffle bats and balls. Hitting opponents encouraged.
Balance beam is now placed over lava.
Ball has Hot Potato timer, explodes paint.
Must dress like ninjas, disregarding any accuracy.
Different athlete for each event… then, VOLTRON.
Stop pretending dancing can be judged objectively.
All boats now Viking ships. Drums! Whips!
Admit that this is not Olympics worthy.
Give each participant storylines and adventure music.
All “floppers” stay there throughout remaining game.
Relays require Marco Polo tag for transitions.
Get the hell out of the Olympics.
More literal. No paddles. Instead, small tables.
TAE KWON DO
More dressing like ninjas! Also, strobe lights.
Players can negate opponents’ score by stripping.
TRACK AND FIELD
The relay baton? Now a hurled javelin.
Velcro suits and ceilings for bonus points.
Every hundred yards, switch up the events.
Glitter bombs drop for every point opponent scores.
Raft “horses” and noodle “mallets.” PLAY POLO.
Instead of barbells, use carefully weighed people.
Still go Greco-Roman, but dress like luchadores.