Better Olympics in seven words or less.

ARCHERY
Player versus player simultaneous William Tell duels.

BADMINTON
Much wider court. Twelve players. Six shuttlecocks.

BASKETBALL
Bring back the days of college players.

BEACH VOLLEYBALL
Use an actual beach at high tide.

BOXING
Only permitted athletes: each nation’s political leaders.

CANOE/KAYAK
Opponents get to use shore-mounted Super Soakers.

CYCLING
Baseball cards inserted into spokes for VROOOOOOOOOM.

DIVING
“Wipeout” style Motivator… or mandatory belly-flop round.

EQUESTRIAN
Actually just people in fancy horse costumes.

FENCING
Just think Hamlet: “the point envenomed too?”

FIELD HOCKEY
Wiffle bats and balls. Hitting opponents encouraged.

GYMNASTICS
Balance beam is now placed over lava.

HANDBALL
Ball has Hot Potato timer, explodes paint.

JUDO
Must dress like ninjas, disregarding any accuracy.

MODERN PENTATHLON
Different athlete for each event… then, VOLTRON.

RHYTHMIC GYMNASTICS
Stop pretending dancing can be judged objectively.

ROWING
All boats now Viking ships. Drums! Whips!

SAILING
Admit that this is not Olympics worthy.

SHOOTING
Give each participant storylines and adventure music.

SOCCER
All “floppers” stay there throughout remaining game.

SWIMMING
Relays require Marco Polo tag for transitions.

SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMING
Get the hell out of the Olympics.

TABLE TENNIS
More literal. No paddles. Instead, small tables.

TAE KWON DO
More dressing like ninjas! Also, strobe lights.

TENNIS
Players can negate opponents’ score by stripping.

TRACK AND FIELD
The relay baton? Now a hurled javelin.

TRAMPOLINE
Velcro suits and ceilings for bonus points.

TRIATHLON
Every hundred yards, switch up the events.

VOLLEYBALL
Glitter bombs drop for every point opponent scores.

WATER POLO
Raft “horses” and noodle “mallets.” PLAY POLO.

WEIGHTLIFTING
Instead of barbells, use carefully weighed people.

WRESTLING
Still go Greco-Roman, but dress like luchadores.

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One Response to Better Olympics in seven words or less.

  1. justpatmedamnit says:

    Please, please run this Olympics one day! if i had any money, i would definitely fund it. i totally agree about the synchronised swimming and rhythmic gymnastics- i think they have a place, and obviously require skill, but they are sooooo not sport. they are dance, and dance cannot be judged in the same way as sport! I always get scared that people will say the same about trampolining though, so i’m glad you only added velcro instead of kicking it out 🙂

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