Seven Things Experiment.

There is a warm-up we do sometimes at ComedySportz, called “Seven Things.” You are given a category — anything from basic, like “Brands of shoes,” to bizarre, like “The Seven Non-Wonders of the World.”

The goal is not to come up with the funniest, the best, the most clever answer. The goal is to just answer. Fast. See what your brain comes up with when you’re not trying to make it come up with things.

So I’m trying an experiment. I’ve asked my Facebook friends to post ten categories. I’m going to post them here and just answer.

Obviously, since you’re not seeing this “real-time” as I write it, you’ll just have to take my word that I am doing my best to not think, to just answer — and I will not edit.

I have Facebook up in another tab, and I see 2 notifications… so I think I’ve got two categories so far. If I don’t get ten relatively quickly, this could go very, very sideways.

OK, let’s see what I have so far.

CATEGORY ONE
PIZZA TOPPINGS THAT AREN’T REALLY NORMAL TOPPINGS, BUT WOULD ACTUALLY PROBABLY NOT BE ALL THAT BAD
1. Oysters
2. Rice
3. Prawns
4. Cucumber
5. Pickled eggs
6. Pastrami-dogs
7. Chicken nuggets

CATEGORY TWO
PLACES YOU HAD TO GO TO ALL THE TIME THAT YOUR MOTHER TOOK YOU TO THAT YOU ABSOLUTELY HATED AS A KID, BUT ACTUALLY LIKE NOW
1. The dentist
2. Church
3. Some relatives’ houses
4. Other churches
5. Really cold theatres
6. The Little League ball park
7. The park

CATEGORY THREE
SHOE STYLES
1. Snow
2. Gum
3. Ah, ah, ah
4. Horse
5. Mule
6. Sneaker
7. Flip flop

CATEGORY FOUR
PRESIDENTS WHO WOULD MAKE GOOD SUPERHEROES
1. Lincoln Man
2. Captain Taft
3. Mr. Fillmore
4. Ready Teddy
5. Obamanator
6. Reanimated Kennedy
7. Jimmy Carter

CATEGORY FIVE
NICKNAMES FOR PRISON INMATES
1. Tiny
2. Buffalo Bob
3. Shiv
4. Ghost Killer
5. Madman
6. Doug
7. Blastoff

CATEGORY SIX
CAREERS YOU WISH EXISTED
1. Proofreader for all entertaining internet sites
2. Serial reader
3. Professional learner
4. Guy everyone thinks is badass for no reason
5. Ninja warder-offer
6. Beer psychic
7. High fiver

CATEGORY SEVEN
7 THINGS YOU WOULD NEVER WANT TO FIND IN A HAPPY MEAL
1. Ronald McDonald himself
2. Fingers
3. Toes
4. Fruit ‘n Fibre
5. Coconut
6. Tax forms
7. A black hole

CATEGORY EIGHT
BARBIE DOLLS THAT WERE REJECTED BY MATTEL
1. Ethnically Accurate Barbie
2. Breast Reduction Barbie
3. Born With A Tragic Disfiguration Of The Face Barbie
4. I’m So Wasted Barbie
5. Newt Gingrich Lovin’ Barbie
6. Barbiepapa the French Thingy
7. Call Me Babs And I’ll Effing Cut You Barbie

CATEGORY NINE
BEST HIDING PLACES IN YOUR HOUSE FOR HIDE AND GO SEEK
1. Behind the TV in the livingroom
2. Under the couch cushions
3. In the coat closet
4. In the oven — no, really, Hansel
5. Right behind the seeker
6. The neighbor’s house presumably via tesseract
7. Under the carpet

CATEGORY TEN
LAST WORDS BEFORE WALKING THE PLANK
1. Guys, this isn’t really a plank — it’s more of a platform
2. You guys know I can’t swim, right?
3. I’m in a damn wheelchair, how about some common courtesy, jackasses?
4. I’ll never forget that night we shared, Captain. I’m sure nobody would mutiny if they knew.
5. Wait, where are my water wings?
6. I’d rather not.
7. Who’s my synchronized diving partner?

BONUS CATEGORY ELEVEN
NAMES YOU’D NEVER GIVE YOUR PET
1. Hitler
2. Dahmer
3. Romney
4. Avril
5. Dudge
6. Sage
7. Captain Fannysniffer

BONUS CATEGORY TWELVE
DENTAL PROCEDURES
1. Root canal
2. Planing
3. Scraping
4. Hittin’ the nitrous
5. Rinse-and-spit-lympics
6. Interminable waiting
7. Halitosis sharing

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