I’ve mentioned previously in my blog that I struggle with depression at times. I can feel it creeping in around the edges of my day-to-day life this week.
So far, I’m still doing okay, and I hope to maintain it that way.
By the way — if you’re a usual reader and you’re thinking, “I really don’t want to read about depression, because it’s depressing,” two quick things. First, it’s not actually depressing to read about depression — it’s saddening. Second, I truly don’t mind if you don’t want to read this. Even though I deal with depression myself, I often don’t want to read about others dealing with it. I really wouldn’t blame you for preferring not to think about it.
I’m feeling more and more like a failure and a disappointment. (I’m not fishing for praise or compliments here. I’m just telling you what I’m feeling during this depressive episode.) I’m walking around convinced that I’m going to let everyone down, and in a big way.
Some of this has a basis — I’m really struggling with work — but it’s not just limited to feeling like a failure at work. I feel like a failure with everything right now. I question every decision I’ve made when trying to build a better life and a better future. I’m convinced that others are waiting for my next screw-up.
In short, it’s not a fun way to get through a day.
This is where depression is tricky. I know, intellectually, that none of this is true. That it’s all false feelings. That doesn’t make it much easier to handle, but it does help a little bit.
So I’ve tried to remain extra social; interacting with others is something that helps, and ironically something that I don’t want to do when I’m depressed. It’s almost like depression is a beast desperate to ensure its own survival.
I’m not going to let it win.