Wanted: Cheap Architect, Designer, Construction Team, and Loan

First, the house should have turrets. Several turrets, from which things could be launched, fired, dropped, or spat. Please be sure to leave sufficient room for me to actually install cannons, trebuchets, Super Soakers, and so forth.

Second, while those turrets should certainly have spiral staircases, there should be fast, gravity-driven methods of descent. Slides are good; giant padded hamster balls are great (although there will need to be a bowling-ball-style return so that nobody has to push them back up manually). A fireman’s pole would also be pretty sweet, so make sure to account for some good landing mats.

Third, please be sure to have a set of secret passages, triggered by things such as pulling or pushing the correct book on a bookshelf, playing the correct chord on an old organ (remember to install said old organ), or tipping a hinged candlestick. Ideally, the kitchen should connect to the study, and the conservatory should connect to the lounge (remember to install said rooms).

Fourth, be sure to have a second set of secret passages, because people are certainly going to find out about the first. Incidentally, I would strongly recommend using some separation of knowledge bases here, because even the strongest nondisclosure agreement is typically two or three whiskeys away from failing… and we really don’t want to have a whole Minos-and-Daedalus thing going on. (Especially because I’m pretty sure Minos lost, but Daedalus lost his kid, and really all of that’s beside the point.)

Fifth, I want one huge underground room (one of the multiple levels of basement) with:

  • A massive-screen television;
  • A kitchen that includes a kegerator and a chest freezer;
  • A poker table;
  • A leather recliner and a hammock and a Murphy bed and tons of pillows;
  • A heavy punching bag and a speed bag
  • A wall that’s just a monitor screen showing nicer, more tropical weather any time I don’t like the current local weather
  • Cameras installed so I can show off online what a great time I’m having

…hang on. Hang on.

…Lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, wrath, envy, pride… yeah, I’ve just designed a seven deadly sins room. Shoot. I’ll just use the TV for action movies and football, then.

Sixth, I want a fireplace. I’ve never had a fireplace, and I want one.

Seventh, I want surround sound for every room, but I also want a smart “kill” feature so that if the radio plays some crap like Nicki Minaj or Katy Perry, or if the TV show has a commercial like the current ones for Huntington Bank or whatever ads they are that have the milquetoast guy in a sun costume pimping some brand of sausage while in the background they play music designed to be light and airy but that actually should be on an album titled “Music So Lifeless It Makes You Want To Be Lifeless Too,” I could say, “Computer, kill,” and I would never ever ever hear it again because it would be on auto-mute and instead I could hear a badass drum or guitar solo for that amount of time, OR if a TV commercial it would mute AND show different footage, like maybe this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1VuMdLm0ccU… and to be clear, YES, I do want to address these thoughts to “Computer” because it it’s good enough for Enterprise captains, it’s good enough for me.

And finally, it has to have a Dreamatorium and/or Holodeck. This is non-negotiable.

I will accept bids starting at $5,000 (downward from there).

This entry was posted in Houses, Jokes, Words, Words, Words, Writing and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Wanted: Cheap Architect, Designer, Construction Team, and Loan

  1. Lummox JR says:

    This is pretty close to how I envision my lair, but the inclusion of a pinball machine (one of the awesome ones) is non-negotiable.

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