Gray Days

Since I have Seasonal Affective Disorder, winters tend to be pretty hard on me. The past two or three winters have been easier, partially because of other changes I’ve made to diet and vitamins and so on, but it still gets to me sometimes.

I don’t have nearly as many Dark Days as I used to; instead, I have Gray Days.

Gray Days are days when I am still capable of having a good time, sharing a few laughs, looking forward to things… but everything is tinged with a sort of fatalistic melancholy. For example, today I didn’t hate my job with a burning passion… but I’ve been bummed out that I don’t feel like I’m doing anything with my potential, and I don’t enjoy working there, and I don’t feel like my job makes any real kind of difference to anyone. Today, I didn’t get depressed that I haven’t written or edited in a while, but I got annoyed with myself that I haven’t set aside time for it. Today, I didn’t feel horribly ugly and unattractive and generally repulsive, but I’m not happy with myself in appearance or fitness.

Gray Days are easier to deal with than the Dark Days of real nasty depression. There is, at least, hope. But it’s tough to actually enjoy things on days like this. I got to play with Sage for a while… which made me think about how much time I spend NOT playing with her, and how I don’t want HER to grow up doing what I do (working for a job with no positives other than the salary and benefits).

Since all my depression days used to be Dark Days, I’m not really sure how to deal with the Gray Days. The irony of having my situation improve, depressionwise, is that I have to learn all new tactics for defeating it.

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One Response to Gray Days

  1. Pingback: The Long Gray Wait | Serendipity 13

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