Friday night I played keyboards at ComedySportz, knocking off #4 of my 10 “one-shot” resolutions.
Saturday I spent the entire day with Sage, taking her out a couple times to various things.
Sunday I finished my “school year” with the 6th grade boys at church, traveled a ways to celebrate Mothers’ Day with Ann’s paternal grandmother, traveled back home to host Mothers’ Day with Ann’s mom and maternal grandmother.
And then today, we had a death in the family.
It’s still too raw to discuss, for me. I am by no means the person most affected by this, and I feel almost as if I’m intruding on others’ grief rather than sharing it when I post something like this.
But, to be blunt… this sucks. Ann’s aunt was battling cancer — a particularly vicious one — and we kept seeing progress and then downturns, but I was optimistic. I fell back into old patterns in which I believe without a shred of doubt that God’s promises to us would somehow protect us from sorrow. The whole bit about His eye being on the sparrow and preventing us from stubbing our damn toes… yeah, sometimes I want a much better explanation of that than I’ve ever been given, and not just the usual “we can’t understand” platitudes or the “well, this doesn’t mean in this life but in the next one,” because PLEASE.
Elaine was my favorite.
And I don’t want to talk about the rest of my weekend, because right now I don’t care. I will later, I’m sure. But right now I don’t.
I’m not even angry right now. That will come later, I know.
Do you know anyone who has a pattern of behavior that you can’t control and that bothers you? Maybe you have a sibling who has a temper, or a child who drinks too much and occasionally embarrasses you because of it. Maybe you have a parent who still uses outdated terms for other racial groups or a best friend who thinks childish chauvinistic pranks are hilarious.
Sometimes I have that relationship with God when He chooses to take someone home.
I’m too tired of it to be mad at Him, and it wouldn’t do any good anyway.
I’m more disappointed, because He’s doing things that I don’t think make sense, and that I don’t think He should do. I know that He’s the all-knowing one in this relationship. I know that sometimes random things happen and it’s not about God’s plan, specifically. I know that death is inevitable. I know. That doesn’t change a thing about how I feel, right now.
Do me a favor, internet. Don’t comment to tell me how God is good, and how He is working for the best. I know that intellectually, but that doesn’t help my feelings, and right now it’s my feelings that are damaged. I know the truth about God, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it at every moment. I’m pretty sure He’s strong enough to handle it when I’m upset.
And to Elaine, because in my imagination there’s internet in heaven… we love you. We love you so much. That’s all I can think of to say. We love you.
I did a ComedySportz show tonight. I thought about you all through it.