I’m Still Here

I haven’t blogged in several days. It’s been hard to figure out something to blog in the wake of the death of a beloved aunt.

Frankly, I’m struggling with feelings of selfishness. But I said I would be honest here, so let’s be honest.

Before I give the reasons I’m feeling selfish, let me give the caveat that will make me feel a little bit better about myself. That caveat is this: I do not really want this. Not really. What I really want, deep down, is to not want to want this. Please re-read that to make sure you got the grammar, as potentially technically incorrect as it may be.

I want a me day.

I want a day in which I don’t have to do anything.

I want a day in which I get to stay up late the night before, wake up late the day of. I want to go to the movies early (to save money). I want to grab Steak ‘n Shake on the way home. I want to spend the afternoon watching TV and/or movies that I’ve planned to watch for a while. I want to go out for dinner, possibly after a massage, and have someone else as the designated driver just in case my decision to have one more beer is not the best one. I want to get home and watch more TV and/or movies. I want to go to bed late again.

I love my wife and daughter so incredibly deeply, so this next part is hard to say, but it’s honest.

I don’t want to have to be responsible for Sage for that day. And I don’t want to have to do a darn thing around the house (although I know Ann can’t and shouldn’t have to do it on her own) – I don’t want to have to help Ann. To be totally unrealistic, I actually want the housework to just be done so Ann doesn’t have to do it either, because that would make me feel guilty and that’s no good on a “me day”.

Let’s be fair, because this is honest also — I want to be able to give Ann a day like this too. I want us to have ways to relax that don’t feel like they’re just crammed in, but that we can use to actually revitalize us.

I don’t think I’m saying anything that’s new to parents. I think any parent being honest wants something like this, and probably fairly often. But it’s hard to say; I don’t like being selfish. I want to be strong for others, and helpful, and to not worry about myself at all.

But if I’m being honest — which I said I would be in this blog — I want a me day.

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1 Response to I’m Still Here

  1. Br.Bill says:

    Being very experienced in this area, I’m giving you my best and most honest advice.

    Give Ann a day like this every once in a while, and have her do the same for you. You will both be very happy with this decision. I promise.

    You know Betse and I love each other like mad. This is the kind of arrangement that made us happier.

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