Strange. Stranger.

In the past few weeks, I have had several opportunities to be involved in a variety of group settings. In each of them, I would consider myself to be a member of the group.

But in each one, I found myself inadvertently relegated to the outside. Conversations were going on that I could not effectively participate in. Everyone had common frames of reference that I did not share.

Discussions of improv referencing books that I have not read, or theories that I have not studied.

Discussions of sports that I do not watch.

Discussions of get-togethers that I did not attend — either because I could not, or because I didn’t know of them until well after they had happened.

Discussions of shared memories that I had not been a part of.

Discussions of people that everyone knew but me.

Discussions of plans that I was not part of, and could not join even if invited.

It was like I had been plunged back into junior high and friends were talking about music I hadn’t heard or movies I wasn’t allowed to watch.

Even then, I didn’t care that I hadn’t heard the music or seen the movies; I cared that I couldn’t figure out how to turn the conversation into one that I could be a part of. I cared that I was excluded without malice. (It’s easier to be excluded with malice, because then you know where you stand.)

I cared then, and I care now, because it reminds me that I don’t really know how to cultivate the types of friendships that I wish I had.

I’m not about to change who I am just to “fit in.” I’ve never been that guy, and I won’t be that guy now. But sometimes I do get really tired of being a stranger to my friends.

This entry was posted in Depression, Personal History and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

1 Response to Strange. Stranger.

  1. krkatsu says:

    I’ve been thinking about this a lot, too, since I’ve been making new friends in IL. I tend to just assume I should invest in different friends where I don’t feel that way. Now I’m thinking maybe I should just jump in anyhow. Hmmm. Either way, I’m glad you bring this up because it makes me a more active problem solver instead of just deciding I should just ignore the feeling.

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