It’s been hard to figure out what to blog, for the past few days. I’ve been struggling with depression a bit, which is odd, because it’s usually limited for me to the winter months. Summer is usually a time that if I’m feeling down, it’s just that — feeling down. But the past few days, I’ve been struggling with actual honest-to-goodness depression. It hasn’t dominated me, but I have not been completely successful in standing up to it either.
I am not ashamed to struggle with depression. I am occasionally ashamed of the ways I act when under its influence. I think one of the big stigmas of mental illness is that it does make you behave in ways that require a later apology, and you really can’t expect others to just brush it off because you have depression. Especially if your actions could just as easily have been chalked up to you just being immature or a jerk.
And then the embarrassment of how you act feeds on itself and you become more convinced that you’re somehow inherently a person with huge character flaws.
So, yeah. I haven’t blogged about that. Because I don’t want anyone to think that I’m pitying myself or that I’m curled up in the fetal position, unable to cope. I’m handling it okay — not great, but compared to the weight of it pressing down on me at times, I think I’m standing up pretty well.
I’m still jogging — I jogged the majority of 1.3 miles today and walked briskly for the rest of it and my shins might try to strangle me in my sleep tonight so I don’t put them through that again. I’m still interacting with people. I’m still making terrible jokes and laughing at dumb stuff on Facebook. So I’m okay.
But my energy has been directed at maintaining okay instead of blogging. So there’s that.